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Finding a Kinky Partner in 10 Steps

February 20th, 2016

You’re probably expecting a super short list of easy-to-do tasks like “Sign up for FetLife” or “Wear more leather!”, but sorry to break it to you, finding a kinky partner is probably just as hard, if not harder, than finding a vanilla one.

For one, finding a kinky partner means finding someone that shares your common interests, which you enjoy spending time with, and also doesn’t mind calling you a slut from time to time. Finding that perfect blend of kinky and acceptable mate material can be a difficult job so we’re going to give you some pointers on how to find that special someone who is willing to slap your ass AND cuddle with you on the couch!

1. Educate Yourself– Before you go diving into the sweaty, fetish pool make sure you know what you are getting yourself into. If you just go in blindly you could find yourself mashed between a severe sadist and a Daddy Dom and you won’t know which path to choose.. or worse.. what kind of bruises and welts are waiting for you down those paths.

2. Learn Where You Stand– What are you fetishes, soft and hard limits, do you prefer leather or latex or do you not really have a preference? Are you willing to try a whip or do you just want to stick to paddling for now? These are probably questions you will encounter after a few dates and if you aren’t sure how to answer them now, then start doing some investigating to find out. You can experiment on your own until you have a partner to help!

3. Location, Location, Location– Get involved in your local BDSM community! I don’t mean start a fundraiser or anything, just go to a munch, join a local online forum,heck.. even sign up for FetLife, Collarspace or other dating/social website just to see who is in your area. You can also find local events by doing a simple Google search (BDSM + “your area”) or go to a local fetish club. You can start off slow by hanging around a bit, but I bet your curiosity will be peaked after the first one or two visits.

** 4. Come out-** Discretion is important, but telling your family and friends that you are involved in the BDSM lifestyle will help make the transition into a public D/s relationship a heck of a lot easier. You might even find out that the guy friend you have a crush on, but seemed too sweet to satisfy your naughty desires is actually really into BDSM. Not only is that lovely daydream a possibility, but someone else you know may be involved in the local community or know a potential partner.

5. Beware– Even though we wish that the BDSM community was a big, fluffy space full of nothing but friendly, helpful people, the reality is you are bound to run into someone with a chip on their shoulder or ulterior motives. Check out the article “How to Spot a Potential Abuser” for some basic ideas of what to look out for and another great article, “Warning Signs of a Bad Dom” for more lifestyle red flags. Of course, that doesn’t mean you won’t meet some wonderful people in your local community, you most certainly will... and that brings me to number 6.

6. Develop Relationships- Talk and explore with the new people you meet! If you decide to join an online community be sure to fill out your profile with as much information as you’re comfortable telling the public and don’t be a stranger in chat rooms, groups or forums. When you meet new people, be friendly and open to new ideas. In the BDSM community you will meet a large variety of different people who are into things you may have never even heard of! Developing these relationships will lead you to meeting more and more people and that creates a greater chance of meeting a partner.

7. Be Positive– I think a lot of newbies get easily discouraged by the immediate advances of people who claim to be some particular role, but are usually just trying to get a quick sexual fix. Please, don’t think that this is “norm” in the community or that every kinky person you meet just wants to get in your pants. There are plenty of genuine individuals who are open to mentoring and guiding you through exploring the world of BDSM without any kind of sexual favors needed in return. Surround yourself with these people, take a firm, respectful stand against unwanted messages, pictures or friend requests and you’ll find a nice, calm niche in the world of bondage. Keep a positive attitude and you’re sure to find someone who is attracted to it.

** 8. Be Sincere-** If you are going to get involved in the BDSM community and you are truly interested in finding a partner that is kinky on your level, then be sincere about your expectations. If you are only interested in a bedroom relationship, then tell potential partners that. If you feel more submissive than Dominant, but are interested in both roles, then that is something that should be discussed. Or if you want a serious, long-term relationship with the potential of 24/7 D/s then make sure you bring that up during negotiations. Don’t try fooling anyone into thinking you are slave, when you know full well you only want to try some fun, kinky stuff once in awhile. Trying to put up a front about who you are (or who you think you want to be) will not go over well for anyone. That does not mean you can’t experiment or that you aren’t free to change your mind, but keep your expectations real.

9. Keep Fiction Separate from Reality– A well-written erotic fan fiction is wonderful to spice up a lonely night, but trying to transfer those same feelings and fantasies into reality can be a dirty mess (and not the good kind.) Sometimes characters can make some pretty risky or just plain naive decisions, but the consequences in their fictional world won’t line up with the ones you could face in reality. Keep a level head about what will work for you and make informed decisions based on your research (#1!). Wax play may look exciting when Jane and Joe do it in that red-lit hotel room on your favorite series, but if you buy the wrong kind of candles you could end up with some serious burns, so make sure you find out what risks are associated with the activity that gets you going and how to avoid them before trying something you’ve read about or seen on t.v.

10. Have FUN! We know this is a lot to think about, but I want you to not think about it too much! Don’t overanalyze, have fun, experience new sensations and have a great time getting to know who you are as part of the BDSM community. The more you focus on being involved and learning about yourself, the less you’ll worry about finding your “soul mate”. Taking the stress out of “hunting down” this person will make your experiences in the meantime much more enjoyable!

Of course, this is not a fool-proof guide to catching a partner or a way to hook up for a one-night stand, but it is some basic information on how to find a kinky partner while having a good time exploring the BDSM lifestyle.

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